RELATIONSHIP IMPACT INVENTORY

Below you’ll find a detailed explanation of compensatory behaviors, and then a link to a Relationship Impact Inventory. The definitions on this page will be very helpful in doing the four exercises in the Relationship Impact Inventory. These four exercises are explorations that will help you to begin to be more aware and discerning of how you are co-creating the undesireable dynamics of your relationships. Relationship Impact Inventory will help you to see more clearly what responsibility you own, and what you do not.

COMPENSATORY BEHAVIORS

Withholding is the conscious or unconscious action of “holding back,” retreating, employing silence where words or action would foster integrity and connection, and/or where words or action would be more in alignment with the truth (you can use my 2 magic questions here). It is often based in fear, self doubt, or perceived lack/scarcity, and often fundamentally based on the belief that others are responsible for us and “owe” it to us to come and get us or to “earn” the right to be intimate with us, while at the same time rooted in lack of humility, integrity, and beginners mind. If you are not experiencing fear, perceived lack/scarcity, or self doubt then you’re not withholding. You’re using discernment. Withholding is a denial of something that is

A key to remember is that beneath every withhold is a denial of love- love that wanted to be expressed but will now likely rot. The rotten form of a withhold is called resentment. Resentment is a build up, or residue, of unexpressed feelings. Resentments grow exponentially.

Basic characteristics of one who has a disposition of withholding are:

Control
Superiority
Easily startled
Smug/sanctimonious
Perfectionism
Critical/ biting
Over (worked, achiever,)

High expectations of self and other
The withholder in the exalted state brings integrity to the relationship.
Provoking is the conscious or unconscious tendency to “trigger” others as a way of diverting the attention from the self and gain dominance. The provocateur may present as innocent in seeking to merely “express oneself” or may move all the way up to rage and violence. Provocation is based in the belief that others will not “show up” unless we rile them. The provocation, works at cross-purposes to our deeper deisre, and sends people fleeing.
A key to remember is that beneath every provocation is a tenderness that wants to be touched. This tenderness, when not met, often hardens and the hardened form eventually becomes insensitivity.
Basic characteristics of one who has a disposition of provoking are:

Intrusive (doing for others what they could do for themselves)
Makes unilateral decisions
Irresponsible
Controlling
Lack of Empathy
Leaves messes
Fearful
Dramatic
Inferiority/superiority alternating
The provocateur in the heightened state brings p o w e r to the relationship.

O b s c u r a t i o n is the conscious or unconscious tendency to deflect attention by putting up smoke screens. The practitioner of obscuration often experiences anything from confusion to being checked-out. O b s c u r a t i o n is based in the belief that avoidance will eliminate pain and can be a response of learned helplessness where the person does not perceive a way to “win”.

A key to remember is that beneath the fog of fear lays a stable love waiting to be expressed. When this love is dissipated it can become apathy. Basic characteristics are:

Absent
Goofs things up
Overcomplicates
Magical thinking
Can’t get traction
Passive aggressive
The obscurer in the heightened state brings l o v e to the relationship.

List of Compensatory Behaviors

ANGER - A strong feeling of dissatisfaction or a strong urge to offend; a strong feeling of displeasure and often with active hostile opposition to an insult, injury, or injustice.

APATHY - Lack of feeling, concern or interest; indifference.

ARROGANCE - A sense of one's own importance that shows itself in a proud and insulting manner; feeling better than others and expressing so by behaving in a demeaning way with them.

BETRAYAL A disloyal act where one lets down somebody in the eyes of another; betraying ones trust by cheating him/her/them. BLAMING Holding or placing responsibility on others for something that goes wrong or fails.

BOREDOM The state of being weary and restless when things are uninteresting.

CLINGING Remaining emotionally or intellectually attached to something that does not serve us.

CLOSE-MINDEDNESS The state of being unwilling to consider the suggestions or explanations of others as possible or feasible.

CODEPENDENCY A person psychologically addicted to, and completely dependent on, another person. This behavior often expresses itself as an urge in oneself to seduce someone, try to become a savior in another’s troubles, inflict hurt or offend another in an attempt to fix him/her or feeling like a victim in the relationship.

CONFUSION A mistake that results from a lack of understanding like taking one thing to be another; characterized by a lack of clear and orderly thought and behavior; a failure to distinguish between reality and misconceived notions; misunderstanding of a situation or the facts; feeling uncertain.

CONTROLLING To exert ones hold or power over someone or something; to dominate.

DISBELIEF A feeling that nothing or nobody could or would be able to help us; unable or not willing to open ones mind to others perspectives.

DECEIT Misleading a person or causing them to believe something false.

DEFIANCE Intentionally scornful behavior or attitude marked by resistance to any opposing force.

DELUSION A false belief that we continue to hold on to, in spite of the facts.

DENIAL Defiantly insisting that facts are not correct despite all evidence to the contrary; refusing to admit the truth of a situation or a statement.

DEPRESSION A long-lasting state of sadness, gloom and dejection.

DISAPPOINTMENT A feeling of dissatisfaction arising out of our expectations not being met, either by ourselves or others. DISHONESTY The lack of honesty or the state of not being true to oneself and others.

DISTRUST the trait of not trusting others; doubt someone’s honesty; showing no faith or confidence.

DOUBTFULNESS Uncertain about someone or something; indecisive or hesitating; unsure of the outcome.

EGOCENTRIC Viewing everything in relation to oneself; caring only about oneself; selfish.

EMBARRASSMENT The shame you feel when you are faced with your inadequacy or guilt.

ENVY The feeling of discontent at another’s good fortune or qualities with a desire to have the same good for ones self. EXPECTATION A desire that one places upon himself or another to fulfill or accomplish.

FRUSTRATION Disappointment due to an unfulfilled need or as a reaction to feelings of powerlessness; the feeling of disappointment or defeat; the condition that results when an impulse or an action is thwarted by an external or an internal force.

GLUTTONY A tendency to indulge excessively; habitual intemperance.

GREED An excessive, extreme desire for something, often more than one's rightful or proper share.

GRIEF Very deep sorrow; pain on account of something in the past; suffering arising from any cause, such as misfortune, death of a loved one, loss of a friend, misconduct of one's self or others, etc.

GRUDGE To harbor ill will or resentment towards another; carrying a feeling of bitterness or enmity towards another; sometimes with an intention of exacting revenge if an opportunity arises.

GUILT The fact or feeling of having done something wrong that causes one to feel shame or regret; remorseful awareness of having done something wrong, or self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing.

HATRED Intense and extreme feeling of animosity and hostility towards someone or something; a feeling of dislike so strong that it demands action.

HELPLESSNESS Not being able to help or protect oneself; powerlessness revealed by an inability to act.

HOPELESS Having no hope at all; a state of despair where one has abandoned all hope because there seems to be no possibility of comfort or success at all.

HOSTILITY An unfriendly state, attitude, or action; a state of deep-seated ill-will.

IGNORANCE The state of not knowing; the condition of being uneducated, unaware, or uninformed.

ILLUSION The state or fact of being led to accept as true something unreal or imagined; perception of something objectively existing in such a way as to cause misinterpretation of its actual nature.

IMPATIENCE Lack of patience; restless desire for change or excitement; intolerance of anything that delays or hinders what one desires; getting irritated.

INADEQUACY A feeling that one is not good enough; a feeling of failure to reach an expected or required level one feels one must have been able to, in a certain context or situation.

INCONSIDERATE Careless of the rights or feelings of others; lacking regard for the rights or feelings of others.

INFERIORITY Feeling less than or of less importance than others.

INSANITY Committing the same mistakes again and again, but expecting different results each time.

INSECURITY The state of not feeling or being safe; lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety.

INTOLERANCE Lack of respect of the thinking and behavior of others; unwillingness or refusal to respect or tolerate difference of opinions, ideas, perceptions or beliefs in others.

IRRITATION A state of being annoyed; an uncomfortable feeling of distress; the act of troubling or annoying someone through unfriendly behavior.

JEALOUSY Mental uneasiness arising out of suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc.

JUSTIFICATION A character defect that is demonstrated in efforts to prove to be just, right, or reasonable. Defend, explain, clear away, or make excuses for by reasoning.

LONELINESS A feeling of depression resulting from being alone; the state of feeling alone; lack of belonging or closeness with others.

MANIPULATION Managing skillfully with the intent to deceive and get what one wants.

MEANINGLESSNESS Having no meaning, direction, or purpose; failing to find any meaning or purpose; disinterested.

MISERY A feeling of intense unhappiness and dissatisfaction; suffering or distress that one goes through when feeling that he/she has been unjustly or unfairly treated by painful experiences and difficult circumstances in life.

OBSESSION A disturbing or fixed and often unreasonable idea or feeling that cannot be put out of the mind such as resuming the use of an addiction to feel better; that fixed idea that takes us back time and time again to our particular pattern, or some substitute, to recapture the ease and comfort we once knew.

OFFENSIVE Treat somebody in such a way that their dignity or emotions are attacked. OVERPOWERING To subdue by being too strong or forceful; so strong as to be irresistible; imposing.

PANIC a sudden overwhelming fear, with or without cause, that produces hysterical or irrational behavior, and that often spreads quickly.

PARANOIA Extreme, irrational distrust of others; a symptom in which an individual feels as if the world is “out to get” him or her.

PEOPLE-PLEASING Acting to the pleasure and satisfaction of others so as to feel good about oneself through others acknowledgement and approval; a dishonest behavior to deceive others by flattering them to get our way.

POVERTY Feeling poor and lacking; a tendency to look at only what one does not have and an inability to see the good things and blessings one has.

PRIDE Too high an opinion of ones own worth that results in a feeling of being better than others; excessively high opinion of oneself that may lead to conceit.

PROCRASTINATION To put off doing something until later; to put off doing something, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness.

PROJECTING To place ones own expectations and desires in place of what is actually happening, and thus experiencing a skewed reality.

RAGE A state of extreme anger; to speak or act in violent anger.

RATIONALIZATION Finding believable but untrue reasons for ones conduct; a defense mechanism by which ones true motive is concealed through explaining the actions and feelings in a way that is believable.

REACTING An inappropriate response of the body and mind to a stressful situation; a response that reveals a person's feelings or attitude.

REACHING Going in to try and make something go your way due to discomfort or feeling of powerlessness RECKLESS The state of wild careless behavior; with defiant disregard for danger or consequences.

RESERVATIONS Holding back something; to accept something but with an exception; setting up a condition for possible future use; giving in partly due to doubts arising within.

REVENGEFUL to exact punishment on someone for a perceived wrong in a resentful state of mind; seeking an opportunity to retaliate or gain satisfaction.

RIGID Stiff or unyielding; not flexible, unbending.

SELF-ABSORPTION Great interest or engrossment in ones own interests and affairs; preoccupation with the self to the exclusion of everything else.

SELF-AGGRANDIZING The act of enhancing or exaggerating one's own importance, power, or reputation; to increase ones influence by drawing attention to ones own importance.

SELF-CRITICAL A tendency to obsessively focus on and find ones own faults, mistakes and weaknesses.

SELF-DESTRUCTIVE The act or process of destroying oneself; suicidal tendency to indulge in an act or process that is detrimental and dangerous for ones own self and life.

SELF-IMPORTANCE To take oneself too seriously to an unhealthy extent and detrimental effects.

SELF-PITY Feeling that life or others treat you unfairly; pity for oneself; a feeling of sorrow (often self-indulgent) over your own sufferings.

SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS Being strongly convinced of the rightness of ones actions or beliefs to a point where others actions or different beliefs are perceived wrong; moralistic; feeling satisfied with ones own intelligence and wisdom expressing itself in an annoying and offensive way with others.

SELF-SEEKING Seeking to mainly further ones own interest; taking advantage of opportunities without regard for the consequences for others.

SHAME A painful emotion caused by having done something wrong or improper; caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, lack of personal capacity, a regrettable act or disgrace.

STAGNATE Exist in a changeless situation; to become inactive; be idle.

STINGINESS Unwilling and reluctant to part with, share or give to others; miserly and niggardly in spending money, energy, time or interest to an extent where even necessities are ignored.

SUBMISSION Submitting to various demands that are contrary to ones innermost self with a belief that others would fulfill ones needs if only one throws oneself on ones knees and flatter others.

SUPERIORITY Feeling that one is more important than others.

SUPPRESSION An act of control in an attempt to refrain from showing; to put down; subdue.

UNCERTAINTY Lack of faith due to having to rely on incomprehensible and thus unpredictable factors; that which involves perceived danger due to ones inability to predict or to place confidence in the unknown; unsettled, flickering, not clearly determined.

UNWILLING Reluctant to be open-minded; loath to suggestions or directions; offering resistance.

VANITY excessive pride in one's appearance, qualities, abilities, achievements, etc.

VOID A strong feeling of emptiness; a constant feeling that something is lacking that needs to be filled within us.

WORRY to torment oneself with, or suffer from, disturbing thoughts; to feel uneasy or concerned about something; be troubled.

RELATIONSHIP IMPACT INVENTORY

There are four exercises in this inventory practice that should take approximately 3 1/2 hours total to complete a thorough inventory. You’ll want to do each exercise uninterrupted, first thought/best thought style. And fill in as many rows as possible. There are two sheets provided for each exercise. But you can also do this in your Evernote journal. Set a 45 minute timer for each of the four exercises. Do not short change on the time. If you run out of things to write about before the time is up for an exercise, spend some time reviewing what you’ve written, multiple times if necessary. Ponder the impact and what would you could do to have different outcomes in the future. If additional things come up during review, add them to the exercise.

Once you finish those exercises, use the link at the bottom of this page to return to read part 2 of the Rewriting Stories demo.

Printable Copies of Relationship Impact Exercises

Return to Rewriting Stories to read pt. 2